Today I am merely posing the above question. I could write a long, long list about what makes me angry, but I rarely show that anger. I guess conditioning has got more of a hold over me than I like to admit. I spend much of my social time, which is much diminished by mental and physical illness over the last few years (more of that later), smiling and saying “I’m OK”, when I am anything but OK. I am angry that we are not encouraged to truly express ourselves, instead we are forced, by parents, teachers, employers, and other authorities to grit our teeth and get on with life. I am angry that this societal norm even exists, and see it as the root of many of my emotional (and physical) problems. I used to be strong-willed and spirited, but the older I get the less able I seem to be to embody these qualities, to say exactly what I mean or am thinking. I bite my tongue and speak the words I believe the world wants to hear, and the world apparently doesn’t want to hear about my many physical ailments, much less about the dark side of my personality that props up the smiling woman I present to that world on a day-to-day basis.
So I am hoping that I am more able to express myself honestly here, and to join with you and others in celebrating our differences and coming together in alliance against the epidemic of increasing loneliness we appear to be in the grip of. So, be honest, what makes you angry? What brings you here? Do you feel lonely much of the time?
You are not alone.
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What I find interesting (and sad and disheartening) is the reaction of those if/when I don't provide that stock answer "I'm OK". If I say "actually I am really struggling today" an expression of panic flits across their face before they then offer a solution/coffee/hug or, most likely, a platitude whilst shuffling away. No wonder people feel unable to be truthful about their emotional state if truth is so apparently shocking, frightening or distasteful. You are not alone however I understand how and why it must feel like this.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment Tara. Yes I think I was brought up to believe that sharing and even feeling emotions was distasteful. Good word for it. It’s a battle to overcome this and I’m only really able to start doing so online ie. NOT face to face. This is something I would very much like to change about my own behaviour but am not entirely sure how. I’m happy to listen but not to express.....hoping this will be a space where we can discuss and fathom a way of making some changes in this area for all of us.
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